outing

MSR is Miss Sandi Rowe. It started off as a way to hide our affair. I confess I had one and it wasn't my best face forward. When I first wrote down the initials, Sandi had even thought it meant My Secret Romance. It was a romance, a very torrid one, and it was a nasty secret that nearly crushed everyone around us.

I fell in love and she did not. My biggest mistake was ever believing that she could be in love with me or love anyone completely. She will always hold something back, something you give to her privately that she will use to thrash you later.

There were signs from the beginning and signs throughout our affair and attempt at a "relationship" that could have told me I was playing with a pathological lover. She lied throughout the affair about what she was doing and even slept with my ex to cover her tracks. She ridiculed my ex for being hurt when the affair was "outed".
She once asked me what my biggest fear was about moving in with her. I told her that I was afraid she would lock her bedroom door to keep me out. She did just that when we had our first argument and our last. She kept a separate bedroom as her safety net. She asked me once what I held sacred in our relationship. I answered, "everything I have written for you: the poems, the letters, the stories."
In our last argument, she took them out of her storage trunk and filled the tub and threw them in. Her heart was cruel.

She continued to lie after I left. I once had a long conversation with one of her lovers whom she told that she had slept with my ex before she slept with me. She lied that had we moved in together as lovers, insisting that we were roommates who had developed a sexual relationship.

I wouldn't be writing this now if I had felt at any time that she had owned her part of the hurt and pain we both caused but she never has and never will.

I apologize Miss Sandi Rowe for keeping you a secret when I should have not and for begging you to love me when I knew it was lost. I apologize for yelling and I apologize for taking us down a road that was never going to work. I loved you with my whole heart and that was my greatest error.

Life moves on however, and I did find that I could love again but it's with a wiser head and hopefully, a lighter heart.