truth and consquences

I loved you MSR. Truth. It broke my heart. Consequence. Please be careful with my heart MSR is all I asked. We started our relationship in secret. It was an affair. It continued. I was your lover. Then we shared more time, friendships, and then lived with one another. I should have known when the bedrooms were separated that I was being held hostage by my own desperation. I never wanted that separation. It hurt me to the core. It filled my psyche with division. I only wanted to share and be wanted like I wanted you. To love and be loved. A redemption for all the years I spent loving someone who never could love.

There were shared moments of love and kindness but I couldn't let go of that distance between us and now here I am forced into that distance beyond any abyss I've known. I cry but mostly I ponder why I loved that much, that hard, so full of desire. MSR will always be my special love.

Noodles and other shared language

You are MSR. It was my password. My secret romance. The ring of it in my ear kept me smiling.

That secret is gone now.

Our secret language has been broken. Noodles. I even made a mixed cd with the noodles on the cover to show you how I felt for you for christmas last year. Noodles were mine. Other folks could call them magic circles or something else, but to me they were noodles and when you asked me what I was doing to you, that is what I said...noodling.

You have broken that secret MSR.

Where is the language that we shared? It is piled in a heap that you tossed away.

You meant the world to me and it's gone.

secrets

We share secrets. Secret fantasies. Secret histories. MSR. I share this only with you.

Use me MSR. Play. Gag me while I'm on all fours in front of you, your pretty feet resting on my back while you watch the television. Have the belt or cane by your side just for kicks. Stick you toes in my cunt and I'll noodle you slowly. Still gagged.
Whip me for fun. Force me on my knees to clean the floor, the toilet, the shower while your piss goes down my face.

Demand your servant sleep on the floor or send her home.

Your knock at my door could only mean one thing. Bring you the wine, feed you, noodle you. No words are needed MSR.

loss and regret

MSR, I am deeply sorry for hurting you. The pages that I've written here are only evidence of my vulnerabilty. I lost control of who I was when I realized that I could not have you that way that I wanted and it was beyond my power to fix things. I deeply regret my actions and know that I have along way to go to find my centered self. I will miss you dearly in the months ahead but know that I do not want to hurt any more and only want to make myself a better person. I pray that when I feel whole again, you are willing to accept my hand in friendship and possibility. Again...please accept my deepest apology and deepest repentance.

fantasy

I would come home and she would be waiting or I would be waiting for her. To bring her sweet wine and kisses. To strip each other. For her hands upon me. Our lips together and our legs entwined.

There would be times of hard work and equal relaxation. Lazy languid days filled with cooking, lovemaking, and absolute naughtiness. Time to build shelves and paint and make a home.

It was all I wanted.

She could have asked for anything she wanted if I felt secure. My submission would have been complete.

what kind of love

I wrote a poem about 18 months ago and I think it's still true...

awkward, shy love
this is not that
lustful love
I confess
tender, careful love
always
disingenuous love
i do not want it
foolish love
perhaps
abiding love
for you and me I pray

I do not ever want a love that is disengenuous. I may be foolish at times in my desire but it's real and never put on like a mask.

I pray that when I look into your eyes and touch you lips with mine, my foolish self ceases to exist.

This love I have for you MSR encompasses many feelings inside one heart.
I like your style, energy, enthusisam, intelligence.
I love your stories and the quiet way you share them.
I love the parts of you no one sees---the fragile Sandi and the brutus Sandi.
I want to hold her.
I love my boisterous friend.
I like your hands.
I love your curiousity.
I admire your discipline.
I enjoy your company.
I revel in your sexiness.

Where does it lead me?

truth and shame

I had kept this tiny bit of hope in my heart that you really and truly loved me. I have felt shameless at times for how much I've held you close. I have felt completely shamed when I've hurt you. I have felt the pain of my own shame. My heart was boundless with you.

Was I alone in how I felt? Is love worth more than pride?

To know the truth is set yourself free. This is my new journey.

new connections

my dearest MSR

I have loved the last month with you. Our trip to Boston was more wonderful than I had imagined and I felt a new connection with you.

My love has never shifted with you but our dynamic was sinking our souls. Finding more of myself while I was away in June helped me see the parts of you I loved dearly and wanted to hold. It made me see the parts of myself that could grow and be cherished.

This time in the last five weeks has helped me see your need and vulnerability and helped me feel more at home wtih you.

I long for more and if I seem impatient, I'm sorry. I like the shifting of our give and take. I feel your desire to be pleasured. I feel your need to be held like a girl. I feel your need to be in charge. I feel your desire for the ropes. I revel in your sex.

Let me soak it into my soul. I want to hold it in my heart until I feel you again.

loss

MSR....the initials started to protect the identity of my lover. We were having a torrid affair while our partners were working or watching tv. When I first used them, she thought it meant My Secret Romance. I used the intials everywhere I could. My favorite activity...MSRing..passwords for bank accounts, websites, it was everywhere in my life. She was the queen of my world.

She has been told me that we can longer have a relationship. I am saddened beyond measure. I hope that is truly happy someday. She changed my life and forced me to look at myself differently. So while my heart is breaking apart and my insides are as turned out and my life gets pulled upsdie down, I still adore her. She is still just as beautiful as the time I first kissed her on the beach. Her lips were soft and her tongue was strong and her hands were wild with passion and conviction.

MSR, if you read this, please know there is always a place in my heart for you.

treasuring beauty

I have never cried during sex unless I'm being beaten very hard or used in my ass without a proper warmup.

Yesterday, tears were flowing because of my joy and my feeling of overwhelming gratitude. Your touch means so much to me. You are so very beautiful and I adore you. Your beauty continues to astound me and I long to please you. When I fail, I am miserable. I never feel more hurt than when you are sad.

I only ask that you do not cheapen my feelings. Please respect them and honor them by being honest with me. Do not make my adoration of you a schoolgirl crush. It is very much an adult love and an abiding one that includes your spirit, your intellect, as well as your immense physical beauty.

As I kissed you yesterday and felt my vulva against you, I realized that I may never have this again if I don't get things right and to feel your beauty this close was a gift that I treaure and respect.

Sometimes I get caught up in how I feel and want more than you are ready to give.
I crave your small affections and attentions and pray that you give me your firm hand, your belt, the cane. I am ready, MSR, to bend to you.

breaking the cane

Splinters on the king are but evidence of your power MSR. The cane split and shattered while I was reveling in your attention to my ass.

Our weekends now, are relaxed, and my cries do no have to be muffled; your pleasure can taken at leisure.

We are leaning into each other, taking inspiration, and using our hands and mouths to satisfy our urges and hungers.

My cock inside you shudders when I do, when you do, when you cry out and tremble inside.

Up on your hands and knees, I am kneeling behind you, my fingers fondle your ass and sex, bringing your limbs to a frenzied rage before you climax.

Bringing you pleasure is my passion MSR. My heart yearns to find new ways to love you.

sweet love

My dear MSR---

kisses, passionate and strong
a good laugh together
good conversation
cooking supper
leaning into each other watching tv
a sweet caress
your lips on the back of my neck
feeding me, feeding you with hands, fingers sucked
sweet love like this
sticks like honey
makes the meaty salty sex sweeter

it all counts MSR

limits

We all have limits....yours are hard to see at times and mine seem invisible. I assure you I have limits but they have not been tested fully and I yearn to explore the edges of them with you.
I want to bring you to the edge of yours too.

Does the clinking of the belt excite you MSR? Does the sound of the cane rattling on the bedpost get your sex moist? I hope so.

Do you see how I look at you as you tease me, bending over in your short chemise with the lips of your ass cheeks peeking at me? I watch you polish your nails and think of how they look against your sex. Do you see me longing for those hands?

I ask to help you so that I may hear your voice commanding me....I want to know that I've pleased you in so many ways.

My limits are not limits but rather a desire to be held in your esteem, to feel useful and honored...to be under your gaze, within your grasp, and if the world would permit, at the end of your leash and collar.

I have enjoyed our last few days together MSR. The sharing of our hearts, the hot hot sex, the running, the cooking, the conversation. I am smiling and longing to see you with an uplifted heart.

whipping boy

I am here to provide you with pleasure Miss. I long for your command. The whip, the cane, the belt are merely instruments to lead me to submit. Your pleasure is what commands me. The swelling of your breast and your sex and the smile you share with me is what I crave.

At your whim, MSR, I will serve. Bend me over. Fill my holes or leave me wanting. I will do as you ask by knowing that it pleases you. Use me like a fuckhole or instrument for your total use. Fetching what you wish for, fulfilling the tasks you have for me to perform like your show pony, your house bitch. I am dripping thinking of how you could command me. Bring on the discipline Miss; I am desirous to please and I yearn for training.

Limits are merely boundaries yet unfulfilled. Your sex should be suckled as my lips service your feet and my body is used as your whipping post. My holes should entertain you as you see fit. I am your object possession, useful, used, and cared for in order to be used again.

My arms, my lips, my cunt, my ass, my cock are here to serve you. I want you to feel and see my sex drip down my leg so that you know this service pleases me. I only ask that I be desired--and to be of use.

MSR, this journey is exhilarating and I still long for you as as a friend and lover. Whip me and apply the salve. Use me, and use me again.

loving

MSR, I am forcing myself to pull away from you and it's the hardest thing I've faced in quite some time. I am still to this day deeply in love with you and long for you. I am bathed in your beauty when I'm near you and treasure each moment I have with you.

Yet I can't make you want me. The hurt and problems we face seem too daunting to try and be in this relationship. I am sad beyond all reason.

I have felt your hurt and know my own shame in it. I long to repair what can't be undone. Yet I long to hear you say, "Sweet girl, I want to be with you."

I look for reasons to hope in our relationship. The race, a phone call or a text that has meaning between the lines. I only need confirmation of a desire to try, to hang in and have hope in love.
I long to hear the words, "I love you" or "I want to be here." I believe in their power.

I know you need actions and something stronger than flowery words. Yet I have these words and I have my small offerings of support in your work, your races, your ideas.

Oh sweet MSR! I long to see your eyes light up for me and shine brightly for eveyone to see. I long to hear you speak and open your heart the way I heard you so long ago.

While you say that we can't ever go back, I know that we can learn to trust and go forward if we have enough daring and compassion.

I never meant to cause you to clench and jump. My heart should have asked you gently for a stroke on my head, for a hand to hold, for a word whispered in my ear.

Kisses for always MSR.

trust

Secrets I tell no one, I tell you.

I need your firm hand on my face. I need the strength of your arm as you wield the belt and the force of your fist in my ass. I crave the humiliation of your cane. I long to serve for your pleasure. Tie my hands and hoist me up to be whipped at your command. I want to feel your cries of pleasure as my ass is impaled and my skin is cracked and welted. Let me kneel at your feet, under them, while pleasure is given to you. I want to revel in your desires.

I have only shared the dark secrets of my desires and fears with you. Yet as I tell you, I feel afraid. I fear that what I have shared is not embraced, will be spilled out and lost in a void.

MSR, you have this trust. Please hold it carefully. I will do my best to share freely with you and let our desires grow and flourish.

nothing more

Sweet MSR...there is nothing more I can say. I said it all over the last year and a half. I have read all our old emails, chats, the poems, the letters, the stories and the posts. It is all there. The up, the down, the falling, the connection, the wayward feelings, the fear and the hope.
I have always had hope MSR but I always felt the glass half full and I wanted it filled. That was too much to ask.

I love you with all my heart and I can't be asked to undo it.

hurt

I have hurt my sweet MSR and I am sad in many ways. I can only say that I'm sorry my love. I know that you are not inclined to forgive again and try again. I beg you to give us some space and time without forsaking our relationship. I will try to be more patient, to seek inner strength and love you in a more respectful way that you find appealing. I am the sweet girl that you know and love. I am not the monster that fear has ruled for months.



Light and Air for you MSR, I swear it.



Bring me your sweet candy. I can almost taste it.

Locks and Chains

I am sorry for this previous post MSR...it was arrogant.


Lover. I miss you. The touch of your leg against mine in the movie house makes me tingle. The smell of your hair and the silk of your skin fill my senses. The longing does not stop.

My shadow emotions of fear and anxiety hold your love hostage. The chain begins and breaking it is difficult. I unlock a little fear, and free one of the monsters, only to find your hands ready with another lock. It is up to me to find all the keys. My patience gets worn too.

Let's use the chains a different way love. Wrap my wrists and ankles up lovingly and secure them to the king. Force my fear out of me. Chase my anxiety away with a stroke of the cane.
I know these tools and trust them.

Driving home tonight, the Boss came on the radio, and I felt you, and felt grateful.

As I struggle to work through my fears about loss and emptiness, I know that you have already given me the love you have. My heart must find courage and peace from within myself. You have been the inspiration. Our words shared so many months ago, to live an authentic life still ring inside me, and not only for myself, but for you as well. I am sorry if these shadows that live along side me have hindered your path.

I still long for your touch each day and find joy in your care of me. I still yearn to be bent over and whipped, and feel your hand as it finds me dripping. I long to take you in my arms and kiss you deeply, hearing your cries for deeper pleasure.

Thank you for hearing my struggle and being supportive and patient. My gratitude cannot be measured at once. I can only try to show you as much. It's in my picture swiping, it's in my silly texts that sometimes annoy you, it's in my driving you to the races, it's in the flowers, and it's in my eyes when I behold how beautiful you are.

I only want to bring you beauty.

Getting to know you

Date night is a concept that many couples have. We are not unique. It is a sign that times have been hard but also that both people want something from the relationship.

Aside from the bad food and loud music it was good to just be with MSR. I might have enjoyed a night on the couch more but we couldn't guarantee a date with just us if we planned that date.

I learn something new all the time about MSR. Sometimes I learn things about myself that don't always sit well. It's hard to have your faults pointed out when you want someone to think the world of you. It's better if I know what irritates her or how I come across when it doesn't suit us, but that doesn't change what I hope for in the end. I want her to like me, to love me, to think I'm grand. Sometimes, reality doesn't mesh with those feelings. I adore my MSR and while I know she's not perfect, I do know that I really like her and want to know how she's put together as a person.

Talking. It is why I fell in love with MSR. After the sex, during the sex, in anticipation of the sex, talking about desire, fantasy, fear, the body, feeling, and dreams. We chatted on line. We drank wine in bed and sat with the pillows propped up, talking, reading, sharing. Taking a long walk through the park we talked.

Don't get me wrong, I love the hot sex too and being free enough to be daddy, be a bottom, or just serve my beautiful MSR is reason enough to want her, but the intellectual give and take, and the sharing of our discoveries is the butter on the toast, the frosting on the cupcake, the demi-glace on the lamb chops.

We don't have enough demi-glace or frosting these days. I am anxious, and she is cautious. Day by day I try to find ways to create some magic. To captivate her heart and mind. "We drink our fill and still we thirst for more, asking if there is no heaven, then what is this thunder for?"
"Until we behold the pain, become the pearl, crying halleluia" She is my pearl and I will dive again and again to hold her.

Team MSR

It's race day. MSR is in her running mode. I am the support team. Team MSR. I am the driver, keeper of the bag, and arms at the end.

I like this role. I get excited for her.

We eat pasta the night before and I lean over her body to make the noodles later.

I love you MSR and this is just one way that I know how to do it right.

things i miss

coffee in bed
kisses on the back of my neck
the corset
her collar/necklace
cooking together
her sweet text messages
sharing the porn
tubby together
manicures in the car
reading books together
the 3 am grind

between november and new years

so much happened between november and new year's day that it seemed easier not to post.

I guess now I want to revisit to keep things in perspective.

We didn't leave the house for four days at thanksgiving.

we had a fight. i left. I came back. we talked and pledged to try to meet each other half way. we made up.

Anxiety before christmas almost made me crazy. cookie making. gift shopping. work. anxiety about our relationship.

I wrote a porn story for MSR and bought her a couple of toys to go with it. I made the gift wrap.

She gave me a Wii. I was floored.

We drove to my family's house and it went well. I knew she would have a good time. We are a crazy lot that likes to make fun of ourselves.

She got sick with a terrible head cold. (I got it later).

We had a fabulous new years.

It's an oversimplification but I just wanted to make sure that I didn't lose sight of what is right with us.

endings

As I'm writing this, I am praying (and I'm not the praying kind), that her heart does not hold what her lips have said. She has told me that she can't do us any more, and that we are not easy. It should be easy.

I love her dearly and she knows it. I am at a loss. I don't want this to end. I know that we must change or we will implode but I can't just give up without trying. I have risked too much.

I hope her heart will find a way to love me again. I have felt her love and it moves me.

new year

last new year...I thought my heart would stop as she walked out the door with her "wife" hand in hand. I had never felt so lost or alone. I wanted the world to stop then. Nothing had prepared me for the love I felt nor the way I feel now. MSR is the most amazing woman I have ever known. She lights up my world and sends me soaring, crashing; thoroughly exhilarated and brought to my knees.

I felt so high all day and all night. This day was the culmination of an incredible time of love and laughter with my cherised MSR. I danced with her and watched her shine. I wanted to continue reveling with her...alone now just us. We unravel now. Throwing hurt at each other unnessecarily.

we end this night fighting and it is breaking my heart. she thinks of me as selfish and unkind. i am angry and hurt and showing an ugliness that I fear will drag me into a darkness that turns toward self innihiliation. I know that is not the kind of person that I am and yet I search my heart and head for the signs that she might see as untoward and unkind. the girl inside me, the gallant heart, leads me to self doubt and I try to find the will and the strength to bring my heart toward understanding her and what she needs. That she feels a fear of open communication brings me crashing. We must find a way to talk that does not yield to fear and hurt. I want nothing more than to be the friend and lover that makes her heart leap high. No one would want a love that is less than.

I never want to fight with MSR. she is the foundation of my desire. If she did not exist, I have no idea where my life would be today. My heart was null back then. My desire was void. Only the joy of finding a kindred soul sparked my love.

I do not take this love for granted. I am sorry that I hurt you. Please forgive me again and let me make this promise to myself and you that I will never be so unkind again.