Talking. It is why I fell in love with MSR. After the sex, during the sex, in anticipation of the sex, talking about desire, fantasy, fear, the body, feeling, and dreams. We chatted on line. We drank wine in bed and sat with the pillows propped up, talking, reading, sharing. Taking a long walk through the park we talked.

Don't get me wrong, I love the hot sex too and being free enough to be daddy, be a bottom, or just serve my beautiful MSR is reason enough to want her, but the intellectual give and take, and the sharing of our discoveries is the butter on the toast, the frosting on the cupcake, the demi-glace on the lamb chops.

We don't have enough demi-glace or frosting these days. I am anxious, and she is cautious. Day by day I try to find ways to create some magic. To captivate her heart and mind. "We drink our fill and still we thirst for more, asking if there is no heaven, then what is this thunder for?"
"Until we behold the pain, become the pearl, crying halleluia" She is my pearl and I will dive again and again to hold her.

Team MSR

It's race day. MSR is in her running mode. I am the support team. Team MSR. I am the driver, keeper of the bag, and arms at the end.

I like this role. I get excited for her.

We eat pasta the night before and I lean over her body to make the noodles later.

I love you MSR and this is just one way that I know how to do it right.

things i miss

coffee in bed
kisses on the back of my neck
the corset
her collar/necklace
cooking together
her sweet text messages
sharing the porn
tubby together
manicures in the car
reading books together
the 3 am grind

between november and new years

so much happened between november and new year's day that it seemed easier not to post.

I guess now I want to revisit to keep things in perspective.

We didn't leave the house for four days at thanksgiving.

we had a fight. i left. I came back. we talked and pledged to try to meet each other half way. we made up.

Anxiety before christmas almost made me crazy. cookie making. gift shopping. work. anxiety about our relationship.

I wrote a porn story for MSR and bought her a couple of toys to go with it. I made the gift wrap.

She gave me a Wii. I was floored.

We drove to my family's house and it went well. I knew she would have a good time. We are a crazy lot that likes to make fun of ourselves.

She got sick with a terrible head cold. (I got it later).

We had a fabulous new years.

It's an oversimplification but I just wanted to make sure that I didn't lose sight of what is right with us.

endings

As I'm writing this, I am praying (and I'm not the praying kind), that her heart does not hold what her lips have said. She has told me that she can't do us any more, and that we are not easy. It should be easy.

I love her dearly and she knows it. I am at a loss. I don't want this to end. I know that we must change or we will implode but I can't just give up without trying. I have risked too much.

I hope her heart will find a way to love me again. I have felt her love and it moves me.

new year

last new year...I thought my heart would stop as she walked out the door with her "wife" hand in hand. I had never felt so lost or alone. I wanted the world to stop then. Nothing had prepared me for the love I felt nor the way I feel now. MSR is the most amazing woman I have ever known. She lights up my world and sends me soaring, crashing; thoroughly exhilarated and brought to my knees.

I felt so high all day and all night. This day was the culmination of an incredible time of love and laughter with my cherised MSR. I danced with her and watched her shine. I wanted to continue reveling with her...alone now just us. We unravel now. Throwing hurt at each other unnessecarily.

we end this night fighting and it is breaking my heart. she thinks of me as selfish and unkind. i am angry and hurt and showing an ugliness that I fear will drag me into a darkness that turns toward self innihiliation. I know that is not the kind of person that I am and yet I search my heart and head for the signs that she might see as untoward and unkind. the girl inside me, the gallant heart, leads me to self doubt and I try to find the will and the strength to bring my heart toward understanding her and what she needs. That she feels a fear of open communication brings me crashing. We must find a way to talk that does not yield to fear and hurt. I want nothing more than to be the friend and lover that makes her heart leap high. No one would want a love that is less than.

I never want to fight with MSR. she is the foundation of my desire. If she did not exist, I have no idea where my life would be today. My heart was null back then. My desire was void. Only the joy of finding a kindred soul sparked my love.

I do not take this love for granted. I am sorry that I hurt you. Please forgive me again and let me make this promise to myself and you that I will never be so unkind again.