loving

MSR, I am forcing myself to pull away from you and it's the hardest thing I've faced in quite some time. I am still to this day deeply in love with you and long for you. I am bathed in your beauty when I'm near you and treasure each moment I have with you.

Yet I can't make you want me. The hurt and problems we face seem too daunting to try and be in this relationship. I am sad beyond all reason.

I have felt your hurt and know my own shame in it. I long to repair what can't be undone. Yet I long to hear you say, "Sweet girl, I want to be with you."

I look for reasons to hope in our relationship. The race, a phone call or a text that has meaning between the lines. I only need confirmation of a desire to try, to hang in and have hope in love.
I long to hear the words, "I love you" or "I want to be here." I believe in their power.

I know you need actions and something stronger than flowery words. Yet I have these words and I have my small offerings of support in your work, your races, your ideas.

Oh sweet MSR! I long to see your eyes light up for me and shine brightly for eveyone to see. I long to hear you speak and open your heart the way I heard you so long ago.

While you say that we can't ever go back, I know that we can learn to trust and go forward if we have enough daring and compassion.

I never meant to cause you to clench and jump. My heart should have asked you gently for a stroke on my head, for a hand to hold, for a word whispered in my ear.

Kisses for always MSR.

trust

Secrets I tell no one, I tell you.

I need your firm hand on my face. I need the strength of your arm as you wield the belt and the force of your fist in my ass. I crave the humiliation of your cane. I long to serve for your pleasure. Tie my hands and hoist me up to be whipped at your command. I want to feel your cries of pleasure as my ass is impaled and my skin is cracked and welted. Let me kneel at your feet, under them, while pleasure is given to you. I want to revel in your desires.

I have only shared the dark secrets of my desires and fears with you. Yet as I tell you, I feel afraid. I fear that what I have shared is not embraced, will be spilled out and lost in a void.

MSR, you have this trust. Please hold it carefully. I will do my best to share freely with you and let our desires grow and flourish.

nothing more

Sweet MSR...there is nothing more I can say. I said it all over the last year and a half. I have read all our old emails, chats, the poems, the letters, the stories and the posts. It is all there. The up, the down, the falling, the connection, the wayward feelings, the fear and the hope.
I have always had hope MSR but I always felt the glass half full and I wanted it filled. That was too much to ask.

I love you with all my heart and I can't be asked to undo it.

hurt

I have hurt my sweet MSR and I am sad in many ways. I can only say that I'm sorry my love. I know that you are not inclined to forgive again and try again. I beg you to give us some space and time without forsaking our relationship. I will try to be more patient, to seek inner strength and love you in a more respectful way that you find appealing. I am the sweet girl that you know and love. I am not the monster that fear has ruled for months.



Light and Air for you MSR, I swear it.



Bring me your sweet candy. I can almost taste it.

Locks and Chains

I am sorry for this previous post MSR...it was arrogant.


Lover. I miss you. The touch of your leg against mine in the movie house makes me tingle. The smell of your hair and the silk of your skin fill my senses. The longing does not stop.

My shadow emotions of fear and anxiety hold your love hostage. The chain begins and breaking it is difficult. I unlock a little fear, and free one of the monsters, only to find your hands ready with another lock. It is up to me to find all the keys. My patience gets worn too.

Let's use the chains a different way love. Wrap my wrists and ankles up lovingly and secure them to the king. Force my fear out of me. Chase my anxiety away with a stroke of the cane.
I know these tools and trust them.

Driving home tonight, the Boss came on the radio, and I felt you, and felt grateful.

As I struggle to work through my fears about loss and emptiness, I know that you have already given me the love you have. My heart must find courage and peace from within myself. You have been the inspiration. Our words shared so many months ago, to live an authentic life still ring inside me, and not only for myself, but for you as well. I am sorry if these shadows that live along side me have hindered your path.

I still long for your touch each day and find joy in your care of me. I still yearn to be bent over and whipped, and feel your hand as it finds me dripping. I long to take you in my arms and kiss you deeply, hearing your cries for deeper pleasure.

Thank you for hearing my struggle and being supportive and patient. My gratitude cannot be measured at once. I can only try to show you as much. It's in my picture swiping, it's in my silly texts that sometimes annoy you, it's in my driving you to the races, it's in the flowers, and it's in my eyes when I behold how beautiful you are.

I only want to bring you beauty.

Getting to know you

Date night is a concept that many couples have. We are not unique. It is a sign that times have been hard but also that both people want something from the relationship.

Aside from the bad food and loud music it was good to just be with MSR. I might have enjoyed a night on the couch more but we couldn't guarantee a date with just us if we planned that date.

I learn something new all the time about MSR. Sometimes I learn things about myself that don't always sit well. It's hard to have your faults pointed out when you want someone to think the world of you. It's better if I know what irritates her or how I come across when it doesn't suit us, but that doesn't change what I hope for in the end. I want her to like me, to love me, to think I'm grand. Sometimes, reality doesn't mesh with those feelings. I adore my MSR and while I know she's not perfect, I do know that I really like her and want to know how she's put together as a person.