new year

last new year...I thought my heart would stop as she walked out the door with her "wife" hand in hand. I had never felt so lost or alone. I wanted the world to stop then. Nothing had prepared me for the love I felt nor the way I feel now. MSR is the most amazing woman I have ever known. She lights up my world and sends me soaring, crashing; thoroughly exhilarated and brought to my knees.

I felt so high all day and all night. This day was the culmination of an incredible time of love and laughter with my cherised MSR. I danced with her and watched her shine. I wanted to continue reveling with her...alone now just us. We unravel now. Throwing hurt at each other unnessecarily.

we end this night fighting and it is breaking my heart. she thinks of me as selfish and unkind. i am angry and hurt and showing an ugliness that I fear will drag me into a darkness that turns toward self innihiliation. I know that is not the kind of person that I am and yet I search my heart and head for the signs that she might see as untoward and unkind. the girl inside me, the gallant heart, leads me to self doubt and I try to find the will and the strength to bring my heart toward understanding her and what she needs. That she feels a fear of open communication brings me crashing. We must find a way to talk that does not yield to fear and hurt. I want nothing more than to be the friend and lover that makes her heart leap high. No one would want a love that is less than.

I never want to fight with MSR. she is the foundation of my desire. If she did not exist, I have no idea where my life would be today. My heart was null back then. My desire was void. Only the joy of finding a kindred soul sparked my love.

I do not take this love for granted. I am sorry that I hurt you. Please forgive me again and let me make this promise to myself and you that I will never be so unkind again.