punishments and rewards

Yesterday was a rough day for me. MSR put me on "ignore". No contact. She would say it's not punishment but that's how it feels. I crave her. Like a child that can't get the thing she wants, she wants it more. MSR would say that she is not going to reward sulkiness, self-indulgent pity parties, or accusatory conversation. She has a point but she is also a mule. Long before I get to the primary scream inside, she has decided that I don't deserve her attention. So, as I wrote in my last entry, when I am crying out for tenderness, she is holding up the caution tape. How did she put it tonight...something like "I am verbally caning you."

What to do?

I almost didn't want to come home. I didn't want to reward her behavior. If she didn't want me when I needed her why should she have me at all? I had lived with someone whose response to arguments was always silence and it drove me away. Yet, there I was driving home, crying, wishing someone would take care of my hurt.

I want someone to care for me. I cried for my childhood, always having to ask for someone to help me because mom was gone and dad was on the road. I thank and trust my oldest sister for all of her help and I thank my dad for doing what he could. I thank my friends for their support. I thank you MSR. Yes, I see how you care for me. I see that you need to be cared for too. So, I make dinner, we engage (as difficult as it is for both of us), we have a glass (or two) of wine, some of easiness and softness returns, I clean up, we brush our teeth and go to bed.

There is a love here between us. It's fragile like so many of the things that we have packed and moved from place to place. I don't want to break it or leave it behind. It requires some careful handling. Sometimes, the real cane is easier.