hand to hand combat

so, MSR was replying to one of those silly surveys that I had passed around today and one of the questions was name two things you did last night...and she turned to me and said, "Would it be wrong to put masturbate?" I was taken aback but didn't say anything right away. I was there...albeit she always uses her hands to get off and it has never offended me. How could it, I almost always do myself. Our intimacy is so much more than getting off but that she would describe what happened as masturbation made me feel insignificant. I didn't feel submissive, just small. I was making dinner and I sat down for a second and asked her quickly...is that how you would describe it...."masturbation?" and she said that I hadn't read her reply. I did. She had changed it completely. That didn't answer my question and she moved on. I guess I should have dropped it. She surfed the net again while I cleaned up. It is her way of being distracted, like tv. She wanted to go to bed.

I tried to find this song for her on the web because I don't have a copy. It's a cover of "Dancing in the Dark," by Mary Chapin Carpenter and it's completely different than the Bruce version. It's a dirge, slow and almost melancholy. I just wanted to show her that a song can be redone and be successful in different ways. I like it too and wanted to share it with her for a while since we saw the Boss. (that was a wonderufl gift).

Now in bed, my feelings come up again and I ask her if that's how she thinks of what we do in bed. Is it masturbation? I guess it could be taken as accusatory but I really wanted her to say "NO, I don't think of it that way." I wanted her to recognize that what she said and how she thought it about had made me feel diminished in my role. Too much to ask I think now. I should have just told her how I felt. Her apology comes later but her body turns away and my touch is unwelcome now. So, I'm up. Writing. Thinking.

I love her dearly. I'm sorry that it turned the way it did. I don't think it's all my fault but it's not hers either. She feels hurt too. "I'm gonna bruise you. I'm gonna be your bruise."

If you're listening Miss R. I'm sorry.