Locks and Chains

I am sorry for this previous post MSR...it was arrogant.


Lover. I miss you. The touch of your leg against mine in the movie house makes me tingle. The smell of your hair and the silk of your skin fill my senses. The longing does not stop.

My shadow emotions of fear and anxiety hold your love hostage. The chain begins and breaking it is difficult. I unlock a little fear, and free one of the monsters, only to find your hands ready with another lock. It is up to me to find all the keys. My patience gets worn too.

Let's use the chains a different way love. Wrap my wrists and ankles up lovingly and secure them to the king. Force my fear out of me. Chase my anxiety away with a stroke of the cane.
I know these tools and trust them.

Driving home tonight, the Boss came on the radio, and I felt you, and felt grateful.

As I struggle to work through my fears about loss and emptiness, I know that you have already given me the love you have. My heart must find courage and peace from within myself. You have been the inspiration. Our words shared so many months ago, to live an authentic life still ring inside me, and not only for myself, but for you as well. I am sorry if these shadows that live along side me have hindered your path.

I still long for your touch each day and find joy in your care of me. I still yearn to be bent over and whipped, and feel your hand as it finds me dripping. I long to take you in my arms and kiss you deeply, hearing your cries for deeper pleasure.

Thank you for hearing my struggle and being supportive and patient. My gratitude cannot be measured at once. I can only try to show you as much. It's in my picture swiping, it's in my silly texts that sometimes annoy you, it's in my driving you to the races, it's in the flowers, and it's in my eyes when I behold how beautiful you are.

I only want to bring you beauty.

Getting to know you

Date night is a concept that many couples have. We are not unique. It is a sign that times have been hard but also that both people want something from the relationship.

Aside from the bad food and loud music it was good to just be with MSR. I might have enjoyed a night on the couch more but we couldn't guarantee a date with just us if we planned that date.

I learn something new all the time about MSR. Sometimes I learn things about myself that don't always sit well. It's hard to have your faults pointed out when you want someone to think the world of you. It's better if I know what irritates her or how I come across when it doesn't suit us, but that doesn't change what I hope for in the end. I want her to like me, to love me, to think I'm grand. Sometimes, reality doesn't mesh with those feelings. I adore my MSR and while I know she's not perfect, I do know that I really like her and want to know how she's put together as a person.

Talking. It is why I fell in love with MSR. After the sex, during the sex, in anticipation of the sex, talking about desire, fantasy, fear, the body, feeling, and dreams. We chatted on line. We drank wine in bed and sat with the pillows propped up, talking, reading, sharing. Taking a long walk through the park we talked.

Don't get me wrong, I love the hot sex too and being free enough to be daddy, be a bottom, or just serve my beautiful MSR is reason enough to want her, but the intellectual give and take, and the sharing of our discoveries is the butter on the toast, the frosting on the cupcake, the demi-glace on the lamb chops.

We don't have enough demi-glace or frosting these days. I am anxious, and she is cautious. Day by day I try to find ways to create some magic. To captivate her heart and mind. "We drink our fill and still we thirst for more, asking if there is no heaven, then what is this thunder for?"
"Until we behold the pain, become the pearl, crying halleluia" She is my pearl and I will dive again and again to hold her.

Team MSR

It's race day. MSR is in her running mode. I am the support team. Team MSR. I am the driver, keeper of the bag, and arms at the end.

I like this role. I get excited for her.

We eat pasta the night before and I lean over her body to make the noodles later.

I love you MSR and this is just one way that I know how to do it right.

things i miss

coffee in bed
kisses on the back of my neck
the corset
her collar/necklace
cooking together
her sweet text messages
sharing the porn
tubby together
manicures in the car
reading books together
the 3 am grind

between november and new years

so much happened between november and new year's day that it seemed easier not to post.

I guess now I want to revisit to keep things in perspective.

We didn't leave the house for four days at thanksgiving.

we had a fight. i left. I came back. we talked and pledged to try to meet each other half way. we made up.

Anxiety before christmas almost made me crazy. cookie making. gift shopping. work. anxiety about our relationship.

I wrote a porn story for MSR and bought her a couple of toys to go with it. I made the gift wrap.

She gave me a Wii. I was floored.

We drove to my family's house and it went well. I knew she would have a good time. We are a crazy lot that likes to make fun of ourselves.

She got sick with a terrible head cold. (I got it later).

We had a fabulous new years.

It's an oversimplification but I just wanted to make sure that I didn't lose sight of what is right with us.