secrets

We share secrets. Secret fantasies. Secret histories. MSR. I share this only with you.

Use me MSR. Play. Gag me while I'm on all fours in front of you, your pretty feet resting on my back while you watch the television. Have the belt or cane by your side just for kicks. Stick you toes in my cunt and I'll noodle you slowly. Still gagged.
Whip me for fun. Force me on my knees to clean the floor, the toilet, the shower while your piss goes down my face.

Demand your servant sleep on the floor or send her home.

Your knock at my door could only mean one thing. Bring you the wine, feed you, noodle you. No words are needed MSR.

loss and regret

MSR, I am deeply sorry for hurting you. The pages that I've written here are only evidence of my vulnerabilty. I lost control of who I was when I realized that I could not have you that way that I wanted and it was beyond my power to fix things. I deeply regret my actions and know that I have along way to go to find my centered self. I will miss you dearly in the months ahead but know that I do not want to hurt any more and only want to make myself a better person. I pray that when I feel whole again, you are willing to accept my hand in friendship and possibility. Again...please accept my deepest apology and deepest repentance.

fantasy

I would come home and she would be waiting or I would be waiting for her. To bring her sweet wine and kisses. To strip each other. For her hands upon me. Our lips together and our legs entwined.

There would be times of hard work and equal relaxation. Lazy languid days filled with cooking, lovemaking, and absolute naughtiness. Time to build shelves and paint and make a home.

It was all I wanted.

She could have asked for anything she wanted if I felt secure. My submission would have been complete.

what kind of love

I wrote a poem about 18 months ago and I think it's still true...

awkward, shy love
this is not that
lustful love
I confess
tender, careful love
always
disingenuous love
i do not want it
foolish love
perhaps
abiding love
for you and me I pray

I do not ever want a love that is disengenuous. I may be foolish at times in my desire but it's real and never put on like a mask.

I pray that when I look into your eyes and touch you lips with mine, my foolish self ceases to exist.

This love I have for you MSR encompasses many feelings inside one heart.
I like your style, energy, enthusisam, intelligence.
I love your stories and the quiet way you share them.
I love the parts of you no one sees---the fragile Sandi and the brutus Sandi.
I want to hold her.
I love my boisterous friend.
I like your hands.
I love your curiousity.
I admire your discipline.
I enjoy your company.
I revel in your sexiness.

Where does it lead me?

truth and shame

I had kept this tiny bit of hope in my heart that you really and truly loved me. I have felt shameless at times for how much I've held you close. I have felt completely shamed when I've hurt you. I have felt the pain of my own shame. My heart was boundless with you.

Was I alone in how I felt? Is love worth more than pride?

To know the truth is set yourself free. This is my new journey.

new connections

my dearest MSR

I have loved the last month with you. Our trip to Boston was more wonderful than I had imagined and I felt a new connection with you.

My love has never shifted with you but our dynamic was sinking our souls. Finding more of myself while I was away in June helped me see the parts of you I loved dearly and wanted to hold. It made me see the parts of myself that could grow and be cherished.

This time in the last five weeks has helped me see your need and vulnerability and helped me feel more at home wtih you.

I long for more and if I seem impatient, I'm sorry. I like the shifting of our give and take. I feel your desire to be pleasured. I feel your need to be held like a girl. I feel your need to be in charge. I feel your desire for the ropes. I revel in your sex.

Let me soak it into my soul. I want to hold it in my heart until I feel you again.

loss

MSR....the initials started to protect the identity of my lover. We were having a torrid affair while our partners were working or watching tv. When I first used them, she thought it meant My Secret Romance. I used the intials everywhere I could. My favorite activity...MSRing..passwords for bank accounts, websites, it was everywhere in my life. She was the queen of my world.

She has been told me that we can longer have a relationship. I am saddened beyond measure. I hope that is truly happy someday. She changed my life and forced me to look at myself differently. So while my heart is breaking apart and my insides are as turned out and my life gets pulled upsdie down, I still adore her. She is still just as beautiful as the time I first kissed her on the beach. Her lips were soft and her tongue was strong and her hands were wild with passion and conviction.

MSR, if you read this, please know there is always a place in my heart for you.